fears

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that’s how I feel right now…I feel like I’m facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile…
Anonymous

that is one of my favorite quotes because it's how i feel most of the time. I'm sure almost everyone does but it's kind of different for me. I've live in the same house my whole life and i have never been friends with someone for more than 3 years, It seems like everyone around me has a best friend, a second half, someone they are always with the only thing i'm with all the time is my notebook, knock of raybans, and my hightops, i'm even part of a dance team but no even talks to me after we leave the studio. I guess some of this is my fault, i'm so scared of getting hurt, of being let down, of being stabbed in the back that i alienate most people.Do you guys ever put on a fake smile? hide the tears and cry yourself to sleep? try to be funny or tough or daring to cover you weaknesses? i do. i always do. truthfuly i'm scared of everything (not as in spiders and snakes :P ) i'm scared of hurt, i'm scared of being alone, i'm scared of what life will bring tomorrow. I don't know why i can write this all out, i guess the idea that complete stragers are reading this doesn't freak me out as much as people i know reading this does. do you know what it feels like to be seconds away from suicide? i do, i've been there to many times. I've never realy told anyone, almost everyone this that my life is perfect. that i'm fine. My life is pretty good i have food to eat, i have a bed to sleep in, i have a family, and i have air conditioning, how bad can someones life be when they have everything they need? terrible. it's not tha i'm not grateful for what God has given me, it's just i know all the things i've done, all the people that i've hurt. And i also know all the people that have left me, all the people that have stabbed me in the back. i know that your thinking i'm just a spoiled brat or a stupid teenager looking for attention, but i'm really not. i'm just i don't know, expressing myself in the only way i can. Most nights i can't sleep and i lay there, just thinking, i don't even know what i'm thinking about but the more i think the more i hate myself, i hate who i'm becoming, i hate me life.but i have to keep going. i have to stay strong for my siblings, for my parents, for hadassah and daniel (my best friends.... that live in different states) i just wish someone would be by my side, that someone would help me carry the weight of life and destroy my lonlieness. i guess i'll end this with another quote i don't know who said it but it is exactly what i'm thinking

I know life was never meant to be easy.. but i never thought it would be this hard.